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Dr. Schenker and the Nutri-Spec System of Metabolic Typing:

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An easy-to-play typing game where you must type the words in the falling asteroids.

I myself performed Rudolf Wiley's testing protocol on over three hundred patients. However, it involved four intravenous blood draws over a fourteen hour period, and the use of extremely technique-sensitive equipment, so I sought out a less time consuming, costly and invasive approach. I remembered that Dr. Watson had mentioned in his book how the glucose tolerance test could be used to infer whether an individual's blood was running on the relatively acid or alkaline side. After two years of trial and error, I perfected what I now refer to as the mini-glucose tolerance test ("mini" because it uses less than half the glucose of the original medical version), which has an over 80% accuracy rate. This innovation makes it possible to complete the process of Metabolic Typing in two hours, rather than the fourteen hours required by Rudolf Wiley's method.

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The physicality of typing engenders the third reason to write with a relic of yesteryear: permanence. Short of chiseled words in stone, few handmade items last longer than a typed letter, for the ink is physically stamped into the very fibers of the paper, not layered onto the surface as with a laser-printed document or the status-setting IBM Selectric — the machine that made the manual typewriter obsolete. Hit the letter Y on an East German Erika typewriter — careful now, it’s where the Z key is on an English language keyboard because German uses the Z more often — and a hammer strikes an ink-stained ribbon, pressing the dye into the paper where it will be visible for perpetuity unless you paint it over or burn the page.

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STILL, I have the machine and it works, as do most of the typewriters that take up space in my office, home, storage facility and trunk of my car, a collection that started when, in 1978, the proprietor of a Cleveland business machine shop refused to service my mostly plastic typewriter. “A worthless toy!” the man yelled. Yes, yelled. He pointed to shelves full of his refurbished typewriters — already decades old yet all in perfect working order. A typewriter was a machine, he yelled, which could be dropped from an airplane and still work! He gave me a deal on a Hermes 2000 (“The Cadillac of typewriters!”), which featured a knob that adjusted the tension on the keys and the crispest, straightest line of type possible. I’ve since added the 3000, the Baby and the gloriously named Hermes Rocket to my shelves. Cadillacs, every one!

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There is no reason to own hundreds of old typewriters other than the sin of misguided avarice (guilty!). Most can be had for 50 bucks unless, say, Hemingway or Woody Allen typed on them. Just one will last generations — if it is cleaned and oiled every once in a while. The ribbons are easy to find on eBay. Even some typewriters made as late as the 1970s can be passed on to your grandkids or encased in the garage until the next millennium, when an archaeologist could dig them up, hose them down and dip them in oil. A ribbon can be re-inked in the year 3013 and a typed letter could be sent off that very day, provided the typewriter hasn’t outlived the production of paper.